We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
