Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
