I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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