Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
