just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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