My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
