they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
