pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
