Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
