so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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