I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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