Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize