did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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