Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
