I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
