Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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