I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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