There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
