i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
