nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
