Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
