When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
