Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
