Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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