____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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