how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
