Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
