she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
