Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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