I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
