Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
