I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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