i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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