I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
