So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
