all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
