i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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