she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
false alarm, still single
Randomize
