FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
