Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
