i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
