she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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