You're my little dorito
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
