When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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