I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
