The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
