my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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