Who wears a wallet chain?!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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