I CAN MOONWALK!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
