My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
