My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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