I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
