I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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