I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
