is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
