He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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