something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
