I just saw a hot homeless man
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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