Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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