he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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