She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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