im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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