I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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