I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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