pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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