You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
