its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
