this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
