nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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