I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
