My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
