if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize