I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
